What He Fears: Desires Book 4 Read online

  Everett’s reassurance lifted a portion of the guilt that sat on Andrew’s shoulders, but not all. He liked Rory. He’d always liked him. He had been there for Everett when he needed someone and Andrew couldn’t articulate how much that meant to him. Sure, he’d sort of hated Rory for a while because he was also jealous of his friendship with Everett, but Andrew kept thinking about the funny man at breakfast the other day. About the way he looked at Nick, all moony-eyed. Rory’s love for Nick had been painfully obvious.

  “It’s hard to understand how someone could be okay with someone they care about going on a date with someone else.”

  Everett shrugged a shoulder. “They’re grown men. They’ve had this same set up for years, Drew. If Rory had an issue with it, he wouldn’t be with Nick at all.” Everett chewed on his lip for a moment. “What you need to understand is this. Rory does what he does with Nick’s best interests in mind. Rory needs Nick to be happy, so Rory does whatever he can to make that happen, including doing things that might seem strange to others, like not being exclusive. Him and Rory, yeah, they love each other, but what they both understand is that sometimes love isn’t enough. Yeah, Nick would give up his occasional session on top to be with Rory forever, but is it worth the risk?”

  While Andrew listened to Everett, he watched the way he interacted with Xavier. Even with Everett not focused on Xavier at the moment, he still touched him. He brushed his fingers down Xavier’s leg until his hand captured Everett’s. Even though his attention was focused elsewhere, he was still connected to Xavier.

  Andrew nodded. “I think I get it.” He stood and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m going to leave.”

  “Are we still on for that music festival in a few weeks?” Xavier asked, looking hopeful. Andrew and Xavier had patched up their relationship. It still bothered Andrew that he’d acted so poorly toward the pair when they’d started seeing each other. He couldn’t change the past, but none of them wanted the rift to grow. They’d done their part by giving Andrew the time he needed to adjust and offering their forgiveness when he’d apologized.

  Andrew nodded. “Yeah. I’m coming.” He left out the fact that he’d invited Nick and Rory to come with him. He wasn’t sure if Rory would want to go, and Andrew wasn’t sure how that would work now that him and Nick had gone out. “Are we still on for dinner this weekend?” Andrew asked as he headed to the door with Everett’s puppy hot on his heels.

  “Yeah. Ev’s shooting a cooking for a crowd show, so we’ll be sending you some leftovers, too.”

  Andrew laughed. “I should give you guys my grocery money. I never have to buy much because Everett’s always kept me well fed.”

  Xavier laughed. “As your brother, I wholeheartedly accept that offer.”

  “And as your best friend I reject it.”

  Andrew left Everett’s feeling lighter than he had in a long time. Not only had Everett helped Andrew feel better about his budding relationship with Nick, but the friendly exchange had felt like old times, but better. Happiness looked good on Everett. His friend smiled more, laughed more, lived more.

  Once home, Andrew entered his empty apartment and flopped down on the couch. Unable to stand the silence and the stillness of the lonely space, Andrew changed into his running gear and headed for the park. He’d become so accustomed to running with Nick that running alone felt strange. He missed Nick, he realized. They had just saw each other, but Andrew missed him. Meeting Nick had changed something in Andrew. Or maybe it didn’t change anything, Andrew thought as he slowed his pace. Maybe there’d been something inside Andrew all along, something that waited for the right person to come along and wake it up.

  Andrew was keenly aware of the weight of his phone in his pocket. He could call Nick to say hello, so he could hear Nick’s voice, but Nick was out with Rory today. Andrew stopped running and for a moment he stood there and felt his heart sink down into his stomach and turn to stone.

  On the heels of the idea that Nick could somehow be the right person for him came the knowledge that Nick was already the right person for someone else. Nick couldn’t see him today because he wanted to devote today to Rory. He’d gently explained to Andrew over breakfast the other morning that he’d be out of touch today. While not exclusive, his relationship with Rory was important to Nick.

  Any energy or ambition Andrew had to complete his run left him. He turned and headed back wondering how he’d ever let himself think it could be a good idea to date someone who was already in love with someone else. But Nick drew Andrew in from the very beginning. Then, Nick had gone out of his way to see that Andrew was taken care of. He didn’t judge him for anything. Not for liking both genders. Not for falling stupidly in love with his best friend. Not even for splattering the sidewalk with beer and stomach acid.

  Andrew didn’t want to stop seeing Nick, but he already cared for him more than he should. He already felt like a love-sick teenager who wanted to call their crush eighty-seven times with invented questions about math homework so he could hear his voice.

  Andrew had gotten over his jealousy of Rory. Rory was a nice guy. Sweet, funny, sort of sassy, but still had an air of authority around him. Andrew’s jealousy had turned to fascination now. He wondered how Rory could pin Nick in place with only a look. How he could steal Nick’s breath and make him gasp with a touch. He wasn’t jealous of Rory, not now, not exactly. He couldn’t figure out quite how he felt about Rory anymore.

  The entrance to the park sat across the street from a little cafe that Andrew and Nick sometimes stopped at after their run. It was a little place, but it had a nice outdoor patio and the owners had installed a wishing well at one point. Andrew always tossed a penny in whenever he and Nick stopped there.

  Andrew stopped in his tracks and squinted. He watched as a man with blue hair waved at him and only when his name was called did he realize that Nick was at the cafe with Rory. Andrew reluctantly approached. He hadn’t meant to crash Nick’s day with Rory, he’d only wanted to get some fresh air, get some miles under his belt and get his thoughts under control. But as he approached the duo, Nick shot Rory a strange look. Rory, however, was all smiles, and Andrew was more confused than ever.

  He pulled his sunglasses down and looked up at Andrew. “Join us, Andrew.”

  Put like that, in a tone lower than Rory’s regular voice, combined with the steely gaze that made Andrew’s bones quake, he had no choice.

  He joined them.

  Chapter Eight

  Rory

  Rory sipped his lemon water and looked around, taking in his surroundings. Nick had insisted they spend the whole day together, and while the idea had been a lovely one, it didn’t sit well with him that Nick felt obligated to ignore someone he cared about for an entire day, even if he did like the idea of having Nick’s undivided attention. He could tell by how quiet Nick had been lately that he struggled with something.

  That something being Andrew Jeffries, the six-foot-something-sex-on-a-stick, whom Nick had pinned to a wall in a shower and jerked to orgasm in the showers at a fitness center. Nick had dommed before, he’d dated before, once or twice since he’d gotten involved with Rory, and none of Nick’s previous relationships had ever bothered Nick or Rory. They had clearly defined boundaries of what was acceptable and what was not, and Nick hadn’t ever come close to those lines, let alone crossed any.

  “This is a nice place.” Rory mused as Nick came to the table.

  His drink had been more complicated than Rory’s lemon water so he’d sent Rory to sit down while he paid for their purchases and waited on his latte.

  Nick set his sandwich and his coffee down, then stuck his hand in his pocket.

  “What are you doing?” Rory scrunched his brow as he watched Nick wander over to the fountain.

  “The owner is obsessed with wishing wells, so she installed this water fountain. When I come here with Andrew, he always flicks a penny in.” Nick dropped the penny and Rory watched it tumble through the air, catching a gli
mmer of sunlight for a split second before it vanished into the water.

  Flick a penny.

  Rory could scarcely breathe. He was sure, at the time, that it had been a throw away line Everett said, a random bit of advice that he probably never meant for Rory to take seriously, but there it was. The answer to everything. Andrew.

  Flick a penny in a kink club and you’d hit at least three people willing to be on their knees for you and Nick.

  Andrew was the solution to the constant fear that Rory would lose Nick. Nick liked Andrew, Rory knew that. It killed him to see Nick struggle with his feelings for someone, but if they brought Andrew into the relationship, they could close it. Rory with Nick. Andrew with Nick. Nick with them both. Seeing Nick completely happy would mean everything to Rory.

  Nick returned to the table and sat down. He smiled at Rory, but he didn’t look happy. Rory reached out and put his hand on Nick’s. “Are you okay?” He stroked his fingers across the back of Nick’s hand and smiled when Nick turned his hand over and took Rory’s.

  Nick opened his mouth to speak and Rory sensed his hesitation. “And don’t you dare lie to me, Nicky.”

  Nick shook his head. “I’m out with you, and I’m supposed to be focused only on you, but…” Nick stopped talking as if the admission that he couldn’t focus on Rory twenty-four-seven was too painful.

  “But you’re thinking about Andrew.”

  Nick nodded. “I’m sorry. When I told him that I couldn’t talk to him today that today was your day, he said he understood, but I felt like I’d kicked him.”

  Rory leaned back a little. “You told him that you couldn’t talk to him today? Why would you do that?”

  “Because today was supposed to be about you, only you. I didn’t want him to think I was mad or upset or something, but I wanted him to know I wouldn’t be answering my phone today.”

  “You talk every day?”

  Nick nodded and wrapped his free hand around his mug.

  “It’s okay to like him, you know. You’re not breaking any rules if you have feelings for someone else.”

  “I’m not used to caring like this though, Roar. I’m used to comparing everyone to you. You’re the yardstick I use to measure everyone against. You’re the standard and no one has ever lived up to you.”

  “And Andrew measured up?” Rory furrowed his brow. The way Nicks’ brain worked always marvelled him. His unique perspective intrigued him. Nick’s drive to dominate in some situations, but his need to submit in others, was a puzzle Rory would happily spend his entire life figuring out.

  “That’s the thing. He doesn’t compare to you at all. He’s Andrew. He’s quiet and unsure one moment and confident and fierce the next.”

  “And you want to help him.” He squeezed Nick’s hand. “He brings out your dominant nature, your protector. I’ve seen it. You see that he’s struggling with something and you want to help him. And that desire is a powerful one, especially with someone as gorgeous as Andrew.”

  Nick finally lifted his gaze. “You think he’s gorgeous?” The corner of Nick’s mouth turned up in amusement.

  “Of course I do. Who wouldn’t? He’s the kind of guy romance authors would wax poetic about for pages. The Greek god comparisons would go on for entire chapters.” Nick laughed and nodded, to which Rory raised his glass of lemon water. “Plus. You’ve seen his ass.”

  Now that the mood had shifted, Rory licked his lips and thought of Andrew and Nick kneeling for him. Andrew seemed to tolerate Rory a lot better than he used to, but the thought that Andrew could one day want Rory like that was impossible. And Rory didn’t know if Andrew was a submissive, not for sure.

  “You know.” Rory said as he picked at his food. “There’s no reason to feel bad for liking Andrew.”

  Guilt flashed across Nick’s face. “I know.”

  Rory squeezed Nick’s hand and prayed that this would work. That it would settle the unease that had built up in him ever since Nick had asked to close their relationship. Nick wanted to settle down. He wanted a life and a home and Rory knew he could never be everything Nick needed, not on his own. But with Andrew in the mix, everything Rory wanted was within reach.

  “I think you should be exclusive with Andrew.” Rory said, he watched Nick’s gaze snap to his and his eyes widened and before Nick could panic further, Rory continued. “And me. I’ll be exclusive with you, and you’ll be exclusive with me, and Andrew.”

  Nick furrowed his brow. His thumb stroked over the back of Rory’s hand and his leg bounced up and down, two things that Rory knew meant Nick was nervous. “You want that?”

  Rory reached out and cupped Nick’s cheek. “I do. I want you, Nicky. I’ll never not want you, but we talked about us last year. I’m not enough.”

  “You are, Roar. You’re—”

  Rory put his hand across Nick’s mouth. “I’m not, and it’s okay, Nick. It’s never not been okay. You’re a beautiful and complex person and it’s part of the reason I love you. But I’m not enough.” He removed his hand from Nick’s mouth and carded it through his hair, knowing all the gentle touches helped ground Nick, helped him latch onto their connection and really hear what he had to say. “But you like Andrew, and Andrew likes you, and I think it would be good for all three of us to know that we’re a closed unit. Of course, Andrew is your boyfriend, and I’m okay with that, but I want him to be comfortable with me, and with us. I think he’d feel better, and so would you, if we modified our current rules to include Andrew.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” Nick’s chest heaved. “When I asked you to be exclusive last year, you shut me down, but I never stopped imagining it. I never imagined being exclusive with you and someone else though. I don’t know what Andrew would say to this. How would it work? Would him and I hang out with you and just… sneak off to have sex? Would he want to be around and watch us cuddle and watch movies and stuff? Or would it always be like I had two separate relationships that I was running back and forth between? How would any of this work?”

  Rory raised his gaze and a grin spread across his face. “Well, let’s ask him.” Rory raised his arm and called to Andrew, who had exited the park across the road a moment before. Andrew approached, his gaze swung back and forth between Rory and Nick. Rory lowered his sunglasses and looked Andrew in the eyes.

  “Join us, Andrew.”

  Andrew seemed uncertain, but he sat after only a small hesitation. His eyes held the same conflicted look that Nick’s often held. Andrew and Nick liked each other, Rory knew that, but he hadn’t expected Andrew to have enough affection for Rory to make his face a picture of tortured guilt.

  Rory’s heart clenched at the sight. He loved Nick above everything else in the world, and now, here was this beautiful boy that Nick’s heart latched onto with a fervor Rory wasn’t used to seeing aimed at anyone else but him.

  He wanted to give Nick everything he needed, everything he wanted. He couldn’t before and it had killed him many times over to know that he would never be enough for the man he loved most of all. But now he could. He could give Nick and Andrew to each other. He could give Nick everything he deserved. If Andrew was willing.

  Rory took his sunglasses off and set them on the table. He kept a hold on Nick’s hand. Nick’s uncertainty practically radiated off him, and Andrew noticed.

  “I’m interrupting.” Andrew said suddenly as his cheeks darkened.

  “You were invited to interrupt. Besides, we were just talking about you.” Andrew’s eyebrows shot up and he looked so young, so suddenly and tragically young and insecure that Rory felt compelled to reach for him. To comfort him in some small way. So he did. He patted Andrew’s knee with his slender fingers. “Only good things. I promise.”

  Chapter Nine

  Nick

  Nick could hardly believe his ears, or his eyes, or anything. A brief mention was all the warning he got before Rory forged ahead on his mission. But Rory had always been like that when he got an idea in his head.

&n
bsp; Like the time Everett mentioned his idea for a fold out dungeon he wanted installed in his apartment. Rory spent the better part of two months in Everett’s apartment, designing and building the thing. He was a visionary; an incredible man who had as many facets as a gemstone (a sapphire, obviously) and who shone just as bright.

  He knew he should stop Rory. He should make him put on the brakes and think about this more, then it occurred to Nick as Rory patted Andrew’s knee, that perhaps he had thought about it.

  Sucking in a deep breath, he watched Rory interact with Andrew. Subtle touches to reassure him that Rory wasn’t a threat. A gentle tone of voice to soothe the nervous man whose gaze shifted back and forth between Rory and Nick, never quite sure where to look.

  “Did you want something to eat?” Rory asked. “I can send Nick up to get you something.”

  Andrew shook his head. “I’m fine,” he hesitated and dropped his gaze. “Thank you.”

  Rory leaned back. He lifted his right leg, rested his ankle on his left knee, dropped his hand into his lap, as if he was the most casual person on the planet at that exact moment. Andrew didn’t know him well enough to see the calculation in his denim eyes. Nick often thought of Rory as some sort of genius, a superhuman with a computer for a brain, who could look someone over and scan them and a list of stats would pop up in his head like they were in a video game. Friend. Foe. Hit points. Vulnerabilities.

  Maybe it had been true all along. Rory took a sip of his water, still as casual as ever, then brought Nick’s hand to his mouth and brushed his lips over Nick’s knuckles.

  “We wanted to talk to you about something, Andrew.”

  Andrew nodded and Nick watched him swallow.

  “It’s nothing bad.” Nick said. It wasn’t bad though. Maybe. Or at least, it had the potential to not be bad. It all depended on how Andrew reacted.

  White hot want coiled in Nick’s stomach and he realized that yes, he did want this. The idea terrified and excited him in equal measures. It could all go horribly wrong. Both men might end up hating him somehow for forcing them into this impossible situation. Unable to give up any bit of himself. Unable to compromise. Needing both men. Resentment could easily fester. Jealousy had never been an issue before, but if Nick fucked things up, it could become an issue. His entire life, all of it could go so unbearably wrong.