What He Needs (Desires Book 1) Page 6

  “What happened at work?”

  “Tim came to see me. He caused a scene in the lobby and I had security throw him out.”

  Alan didn't speak for a moment. Then the questions came, “What did he want? Did he say?”

  Craig frowned and stared at his container of food as he realized his appetite had vanished. It didn’t shock him, he never could eat when upset. He put the container back on the table. “He wanted to talk to me. He begged me for a few minutes of my time.” Craig frowned. “He said he made a mistake.” Craig scoffed. “Fine time to realize that, a year and a half after he up and left me.”

  “Do you think he was there to try and win you back?” Alan’s voice sounded strained and unsure, like the man feared Craig would run back into Tim’s arms if Tim said he was sorry.

  Craig shrugged. “I don’t know what Tim wants and I really don’t care. I don’t want to see him, and I certainly don’t want to get back together.”

  Alan rested a hand on Craig’s shoulder and he leaned into the touch. “I’m sorry your day was rough.”

  Craig sighed. “I’m annoyed. I wasn’t good enough to talk to when he dumped me, and I was frantically trying to reach him, but I’m good enough to talk to now when I’m finally moving on.”

  “Maybe seeing you at the club affected him in some way.”

  “I don’t care.” Craig got angry. He’d spent so much time and energy trying to move on and now all of a sudden Tim wanted to talk. He hadn’t been good enough for the other man when they were together, nor important enough to Tim when he left to give Craig a proper explanation. “I don’t care if he suddenly feels the need for my forgiveness or something, he has no right to show up at my job, or my home. I don’t even know how he knows where I live.”

  Alan raked his fingers through Craig’s hair and Craig closed his eyes. He leaned into Alan and savoured the gentle touch. “He didn't know where you live?”

  “At first I stayed in the apartment we had together. It was all I had left of him, at first. But it didn’t even feel like home anymore, not without Tim. I moved months ago. The rent is a little more, but the building is nicer, and it doesn’t come with baggage and talking walls.”

  “Talking walls?”

  Craig laughed. “You know how it is when you’re used to spending time with someone in a specific location and they’re not there anymore, you look around and see flashes of what your life used to be like. I like my new place because there aren't any memories associated with Tim.” Craig unclenched his fists and took a deep breath. “He ruined it you know. When I got home from work today, I could almost see him in my hallway, banging on my door, yelling my name.”

  “Do you think he wants you back?” Alan asked again.

  “I don’t care what Tim wants. I care about what I want.” Craig turned his head and looked up at Alan. “I care about what you want.”

  Craig couldn’t read Alan’s expression. A mixture of apprehension, excitement, and maybe even tenderness, it was gone as soon as it appeared. The man was far too good at schooling his expressions. Alan reached over and grabbed an envelope off the side table. He handed it to Craig, who willed his hands not to shake as he took it.

  “What’s this?”

  “It’s what I want.”

  Chapter Eight

  Alan

  He watched Craig’s hands tremble as he opened the envelope and removed its contents. Alan found himself wishing he drank. Some alcoholic fortification would help quell the nerves that crashed through him in sickening waves. He wanted to bury his face in his hands, hide and not watch Craig’s face while he searched every little twitch for the answers the boy's mouth wasn’t giving him. But as much as he didn’t want to watch, couldn’t bear to watch, he also couldn’t bear to look away.

  “It’s a contract. A trial contract. Three months.”

  Craig didn’t say anything. He stared down at the pages in his hands, which thankfully stopped trembling, but his expression remained blank.

  He turned his head and looked up at Alan. “You had this ready, sitting there, waiting for me.”

  Alan nodded. He got the sense that Craig was working through something in his head and didn’t want to speak until he got it out, in case it sidetracked him. He wanted to understand Craig's thoughts and feelings.

  “You were going to offer me a contract tonight, even before the Tim thing. So, this isn’t some jealous Dom thing?”

  Alan smiled and resisted the urge to grab Craig and kiss him. “No, it’s not a jealous Dom thing. I want this. I want you. I want to get to know you in all the ways there is to know you. I want to know what your favorite Chinese foods taste like and I want to know what shows you watch and I want to know what you look like bound and begging and kneeling at my feet.”

  Craig moaned. “You’re killing me.” He looked down at the contract and grinned. By the time Craig had given the contract a quick perusal his smile had faltered.

  “What is it?”

  Craig closed the contract and looked at it. Alan watched as his hand smoothed over the front of it, as if he were still wondering if it was real.

  “What if the kind of thing I wanted isn’t in here?”

  “We’d talk about it, of course. Before we do anything, we have to agree on it, always. If there’s something you want or need, you should tell me so we can discuss it.”

  Craig stayed silent for a long time. Alan could tell he was nervous. He raked his fingers through Craig’s hair over and over. He hated seeing Craig tied up in so many knots. “What is it? I’m a Dom, Craig, there’s nothing you can ask for that I’m going to find shocking.”

  “It’s just…when Tim left…I spent a lot of time wondering what went wrong. He was always so aggressive, you know. He always wanted to do the extreme things. Sounding. Flogging. Caning. He wanted me to like all of that, but I don’t. What I really wanted was to have someone to take care of me.”

  “Take care of you how? What do you need, Craig?”

  Craig slowly turned his head and looked up at Alan. His brown eyes shimmered with apprehension. “A Daddy.” Craig’s voice was thin and barely audible. Alan heard the quiver of fear in it.

  Alan cupped Craig’s cheeks with his hands. He smoothed his thumbs over Craig’s cheekbones and smiled at him. “I’d be honored to take care of you.”

  Alan almost couldn’t believe his ears. He’d wanted this so much, and thought it was too much to hope for it, but now it was here. He’d offered Craig a contract and he hadn’t said no. “I should let you know right now that I’m not looking for a full-time boy. I want to be more than just your Daddy.”

  Craig’s cheeks turned the sexiest shade of pink he’d ever seen, and he flipped the contract open to the first page. “Good. Because I want to be more than just your boy. I love being taken care of, and I love having a Dom, but I want to do regular boyfriend things, too.” Craig’s cheeks flushed.

  “Okay, Little One, take a look at the contract. I need to know everything you like and don’t like and everything you’re not sure of. I expect complete honesty, do you understand?”

  “Yes…Daddy.”

  Fuck. He didn’t expect this, but it was better than anything he’d imagined. Alan lost his appetite in the excitement, but he picked away at a container of dry garlic pork while Craig perused the contract. After a few silent moments that switched between tense and awkward, then Craig put the contract in his lap and looked up at Alan. His eyes harboured a look of uncertainty that unsettled Alan. He reached for Craig and ran his fingers through his hair.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well…I don’t really have a ton of experience. Besides my hard limits and the few things I know I like…I don’t really know about any of that other stuff. I know what it is, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know if I like any of it, or if I will like any of it. Tim wasn’t experienced enough to try a lot of the things on this list.”

  Alan hated watching Craig struggle like this. On one hand, it was endearing
. He was absolutely gorgeous when he was shy, but Alan didn’t care much for the tremor of fear in Craig’s voice, so he did his best to alleviate his worries.

  “It’s okay, Little One. I’m the dommy owner of a kink club and you’re a sweet little sub who I can’t wait to play with. Inexperience is never a bad thing. Everyone at one time or another was new to this. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

  “That sounds good in theory, but then I remember that I’ve been in your club, I’ve seen what goes on there and…”

  Craig didn’t finish his sentence. That kind of behaviour would change when Alan became his Dom, but he’d let it slide for now. Craig was unsure of himself and it was Alan’s job to put his fears to rest.

  He raked his fingers through Craig’s hair. Craig leaned into his touch and Alan’s cock stiffened in his pants. The boy was gorgeous. “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your inexperience is a delight.”

  Something that looked a little like hope shone on Craig’s face. “Really?”

  Alan nodded and slid his fingertips along Craig’s jaw until he was cupping his chin. “It means that we get to explore all kinds of things together. We’ll go slow and you never, ever have to do anything you don’t want to do. That’s why this contract is so important. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship like this. Well, that and a healthy appetite for kink.”

  “So, if I say I don’t want to do something, we don’t have to do it, no matter what it is?”

  Alan wanted to frown at the look of near terror on Craig’s face, but he schooled his expression. “Of course not. That’s why we’re talking about limits now, and that’s why there are safe words for later. If you say something is off limits, it’s off limits. We can always discuss limits again in the future, and you might change your mind about certain things, and you might not.”

  “And you won’t be mad if I don’t want to do certain things?”

  Now Alan did frown. “Why would I be mad? This is supposed to equally enjoyable for both of us. I couldn’t enjoy myself knowing that you were honestly uncomfortable with something.”

  “So, if I said that I didn’t want to be put on display…or that I didn’t want to like…play…at your club…in any way…or that I don’t like pain…”

  “I would never force you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with. Ever.”

  “And if I do try something and I use my safe word…what happens then?”

  Alan really didn’t like the road this line of questioning was going down. Alarm bells started to ring in his head and he wondered what kind of training he’d received and what kind of Dom Tim had been. “We stop. Immediately and without repercussion.”

  Alan took a deep breath. He warred with the idea of asking about his experiences with Tim, but decided that Craig would open up more when he was ready. “If you don’t want to play at the club, that’s more than okay with me. You don’t even have to call me Daddy or Sir there if you don’t want to. I’m not going to be at all disappointed if you want to keep our private life private. If you want this to be kept strictly between us, I’m fine with that.”

  “You are?” Craig’s uncertainty was absolutely killing him.

  Alan nodded. “How about you bring that contract up here and we’ll finish looking it over together.”

  Craig wasted no time climbing onto the couch and into Alan’s lap. Craig rested his head against Alan’s shoulder and he was relieved to feel some of the tension leave the young man.

  Craig’s hard limits weren’t a complete surprise. Alan always guessed that Craig wasn’t going to be into the more extreme scenes in BDSM. There was a time when the idea of having a sub who didn’t want to be flogged and whipped into oblivion might not have been appealing to Alan, then memories of their first scene together flooded Alan. Craig was so responsive to all of Alan’s gentle touches. Alan remembered how much he’d enjoyed being with Craig and taking care of him. Craig wasn’t into pain. Spanking was fine, but he didn’t like much else. Alan could live with that. Exhibitionism was up in the air. He said it might be fun, but he admitted that it scared the pants off him to think about it too much. He liked bondage and admitted that he’d never thought much about humiliation play. Based on the results of their talk, Alan knew that sensory play would be one of his favorite things to do with Craig.

  Despite how infrequently he’d had to do it, contract talks were never Alan’s favorite thing to do, and he was glad when they were done. With a flourish, Craig scrawled his name on the bottom. Alan added his own, then set it aside.

  “So…” Craig fidgeted in Alan’s lap a little. “How exactly does this boyfriend slash Daddy and boy thing work for us? Like…do I call you Daddy all the time now?”

  “Well, how do you want it to work?” Alan wrapped his arms around Craig and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

  “I liked calling you Sir, and I really like calling you Daddy, but I also like being us, and I think I’d like to start out slow, like you said, but…this is going to sound stupid.”

  “Your feelings and your thoughts are never stupid.”

  Craig took a deep breath. “When Tim and I discovered BDSM, it was like a switch flipped in his head and it was all he wanted to do. He wanted every intimate thing between us to be a scene. He didn’t want to shower with me anymore unless he could put me on my knees and use me. He didn’t want to fuck me anymore unless he could tie me up. Everything we did got more and more intense.” Craig frowned. “He got really obsessed for a while. He must have realized he was getting too extreme for me because a few months before he left, he suddenly backed off.”

  Alan could guess why, and he hated the idea of telling Craig about Tim’s unfaithfulness, but he deserved to know, especially if Tim continued harassing him. Alan wanted to make sure that Craig knew exactly what Tim had been up to in those last few months of their relationship. Maybe it was selfish, but Alan couldn’t stand the thought of Tim winning Craig back, if that was his plan. Sure, him and Craig had amazing chemistry, but Craig and Tim had history.

  “Craig, there’s something you should know about Tim.” Alan paused and when Craig didn’t object to Alan relaying the information he continued. “He’s been a member of my club for two years.”

  Craig remained silent and Alan could practically feel his heart fall. Even though him and Tim hadn’t been together in a long time, sometimes old betrayal left fresh wounds. But Craig deserved to know, so he continued.

  “He came in one night about two years ago. Paul had his sights set on Tim from the moment he walked in the door. Paul is a Dom, and while Tim might have been the Dom in your relationship, he joined the club as a sub and made it known that he liked to switch on occasion, which is right up Paul’s alley. They did a few scenes together before signing a temporary contract. If I remember correctly, Tim left you around the same time that Paul offered him a permanent contract.”

  Alan held Craig tighter and pressed a kiss to his head. “I’m sorry, Sweetheart.” Alan was glad when the endearment didn’t make Craig flinch, but he wasn’t pleased with his silence. “Are you mad at me? Should I not have told you?”

  Craig shook his head and wiped his face. “No. I’m glad you told me.” His voice warbled, and Alan was sorry that he’d told him. Maybe he should’ve kept the information to himself, because now Craig was crying, and Alan felt responsible.

  Craig turned in Alan’s arms and buried his face into Alan’s chest. Alan held him as a stream of tears fell. Craig was heartbreakingly silent, and Alan felt stupid and mean and selfish for telling him.

  “I don’t even know why I’m crying. He’s been gone for so long, and I don’t even like him anymore, and I like you now, and it’s stupid to feel hurt over this, but fuck, Alan. He said that he wasn’t what I needed when this whole time it was me…I wasn’t what he needed. I wasn’t enough for a wannabe Dom who was really a sub or a switch or who the fuck cares. How can I be enough for you if I wasn’t enough for him?”


  Tears pricked at the corner of Alan’s eyes. He cradled Craig against him. “Oh, Sweetheart. I’m sorry I told you. I don’t want you to feel this way. I don’t want you to feel like you’re not enough for me. Remember when I talked about all the subs who only want hardcore scenes and nothing more from me, those subs weren’t enough. I don’t want someone who will let me do anything to them. I want someone like you, who still wants his own life and his own passions and who wants a real relationship and who likes to play, but needs me to take care of him. I don’t want to always have to be the big bad Dom. I was him for so many years. Mike wanted the big bad dom. Mike was like Tim, I suppose. He wanted the hardcore stuff, and yeah, that was all well and good and I loved being what he needed, but he never wanted me to take care of him. He called me needy and clingy. For the past while I haven’t been a dom. I’ve been Alan, and I really, really like being Alan. I also really like being the guy who gets to take care of you.” Alan kissed Craig’s head again. “Do you understand?”

  Craig snuggled closer and his tears seemed to have stopped. His breathing evened out a little more before he finally spoke. “I’m not sorry you told me, Alan. And…yeah, I really do understand what you mean.”

  “Stay with me tonight? I liked waking up to you.”

  “I’ll stay.”

  Chapter Nine

  Craig

  Embarrassment lingered when Alan brought him a cloth to wipe his tear stained face with. Alan sat back down next to him as Craig mopped his face. “This is probably the strangest first date ever.”

  Alan rubbed Craig’s back and Craig shut his eyes. He enjoyed the way Alan always wanted to touch him, he doubted he’d ever get enough.